Two Sides of the Addams
by pyromoose
Summary: A visit to the Addams house, but told in two prospectives. A vacuum salesman, and the Addams themselves.
1. The Salesman's Side

The next house on my list was _the_ house. The infamous one. According to some people, the haunted one. The cursed one. The house that they task the new members to because no veteran would ever dare go near it. The Addams house, with two Ds.

Now, while new to selling vacuums, I wasn't new to this town. Everyone knew the family: Gomes, Morticia, Fester, their grandma, and their butler Lurch. Even the two elementary schoolers Pugsley and Wednesday were well known, and well feared. The whole family had rumors about how they love explosions, poison, dangerous weapons, and more. 'The second D in Addams stands for death', I've heard. Despite all of this, I needed to show my employers that I am a professional worthy of a raise, and I've heard that the Addams are so filthy rich they have no concept of money. Anyone brave enough to go to them could sell a hundred vacuums easily, so all I had to do was be brave enough.

I walked up to the gate, my hand shaking. Seeing my wavering palm, I guessed I would have fumbled with the latch, but I didn't since the gate swung open by itself. A hefty creek erupted from it as it slowly swung. I stood, frozen. 'The Addams,' I thought. 'The witches. The satanist.' I took a step forward. 'They're also the wealthy idiots.'

I somehow got my wobbly legs to take me to the front door, vacuum in hand. As I usually do, I tried to ring the doorbell, but it physically moved away from my finger as I try. I move my hand to the new place of the bell, but it moved back down. Sighing, gave up, placed down my sample vacuum, and knocked on the door as hard as I thought the old thing could handle. Instead of the sound of knocking on wood, which is what I did, the deep rumble of a car horn-like doorbell was heard. I'm not a doorbell ditched, so at that point, I was committed, regrettably.

Creaking like the gate, the door opened, but someone actually made it open this time. A towering man, if he even was a man, stood in the doorway, filling the whole thing up. He had a square face, flat hair, and lifeless eyes. The monster grunted, as if to say 'why are you here'.

"I-I-I-I, um, vacuum. I-I sell vacuums. Good vacuums. Do you want to buy vacuums?" I tried to smile, but I honestly don't know what my face was doing. I couldn't feel anything.

The thing stared at me. No, not at me, at my soul. It spoke with a voice echoey and deep. "Follow me."

I was on autopilot, so I did. He moved from the door, letting me pass. I walked with it all the way to the small step that lead to what I assumed was a living room. I looked around, many things where assaulting my eyes. Pictures of creepy looking people, an Indian figure holding cigars, a taxidermied polar bear, a two-headed turtle statue that emitted smoke, and so much more. Everything was in varying shades of mostly dark gray. If I didn't know any better, I'd think the world was black and white just standing there.

Not only that, but it smelt like nothing I've ever experienced. The familiar aroma of tobacco was in the air, but all the other scents felt random, or misplaced. There was a hint of a zoo-like smell, although it smelt mostly reptilic. There was also a fairly strong glue smell, or closer to the smell of a glue factory. The odor of decay was a lot more subtle than I thought it would be, but it was still there in some capacity. I'm not sure where it was coming from, perhaps the walls or maybe the nearby cemetery, and I decided that I didn't want to know.

I felt something on my head move, so, as a poor attempt at defense, I tensed up. The monster butler had manhandled my hat off of my head. Groaning like it did at the door, it marched off, my hat in hand.

With it gone, I wasn't alone. In the room there were two people, looking at me. "What brings you here?" One of the two asked. He was Gomez Addams, the one that ran for governor last year. I, like most people, nearly voted for him thinking he was acting satirically for his campaign. It slowly became more clear to everyone that it was all real. Their creepy, kooky, mysterious, spooky, and altogether ooky personas were genuine, and it's terrifying.

Gomez looked just like his campaign pictures showed him: short black hair, pale skin, crazy eyes and all. He even had a huge cigar in between his toothy smile that laid underneath a dark pencil mustache. He wore a black suit with thin white stripes and undershirt, as well as a black tie. The woman beside him must have been his wife Morticia. She had long black hair and even paler skin. Her black dress was long and tight, which much have limited movement quite a lot.

It took my mouth a second to stop hanging open in shock from the sight of the whole place. Eventually, I delivered my response. "I'm selling vacuums." They both seemed to be watching me closely, sending shivers up my spine. I couldn't tell if they were intrigued by me or my words, but from my experience, nobody is _that_ involved in door to door vacuum sales. "The best vacuums on the market. Hardwood, carpet, you name it and the revolutionary Sumri Vacuum can vacuum on it."

Gomez removed the cigar from his mouth. "The best on the market!" he exclaimed, too happily to be talking about vacuums. "Now that's an accomplishment, but we've already got a perfectly good broom. See?" He pointed towards the fireplace where a broom leaned against the wall. It was completely black, but not from paint or anything like that, but from layers of soot and dirt. The bristles looked hard, jagged, and ready to break at any given moment; the handle itself didn't look much better.

I stood, flabbergasted at such an unsightly broom. Looking back at the two Addams, I hardly tried to hide a look of disgust. "Oh please. You can't possibly be comparing our vacuums to that thing," I said.

The hand Gomez used to hold his cigar flicked to the side along with his head as he shrugged. "I guess you're right. Comparing a broom to a vacuum is like comparing ghosts and spirits. Only one of them can fly after all. So what's so great about these vacuums of yours?"

"Oh, I can show you. Just outside I have a sample model. I'll just go grab it really quick." I pointed toward the general direction I remembered placing it.

Morticia started walking to a noose hanging from the ceiling. "There's no need for that," she said, grabbing the rope. One swift tug and a thunderous bang made the whole house shake. I covered my head preparing myself for the explosion that clearly had to have made that noise but nothing came.

Instead, the monster of a butler came back into the room, my hat nowhere in sight. "You rang," it said.

"Yes. Could you please go get a vacuum from outside?"

The monster grumbled. It went off to the front door, came back with my sample, plopped it down in front of me, and then left once more. After catching back the breath I lost from the noise, I unpacked my vacuum like always, although shaking hands and a loudly beating heart made it more difficult than usual. The two Addams were asking me simple questions as I was doing it, asking stuff like 'all you have to do is connect that tube there?' and 'who knew that vacuums became so advanced?'.

Once it was all finished being set up, I raised the cord. "All it needs now is electricity. Do you have an outlet nearby?"

Gomez laughed. "I can do you one better than an outlet." He turned his head up to the second floor. "Fester! Could you come down here please?" The man looked back at me. "Uncle Fester is the most electrifying person I know." Since I knew the Addams family's reputation, that could mean anything.

A shockingly white, plump, bald man wearing a black robe slid down a pole that was in the living room. "You called me?" he asked with a voice that sounded too high pitched to belong to a grown man.

Gomez nodded and gestured toward me. "We need your specialty."

Fester looked at my vacuum and scoffed. "That's easy." He walked over and held out a pasty hand in front of me. "May I?"

"Sure," I mumbled. He took the plug from my unresisting hand and put it into his mouth. My soul nearly jumped out on my body when my vacuum magically turned on. At that time, I figured the amount of money that I'd have to pay for the heart attack medical bills wouldn't be worth the money that the Addams would give me, so I was more than ready to wrap it up. I bypassed all of procedure I had to memorize and skipped right to the end. "So, now that you clearly see the sucking capabilities of the great Sumri Vacuum, doesn't it make the most sense to buy one?"

"Of course," Gomez said.

"Naturally," Morticia added.

They still seemed _way_ too invested in a vacuum, especially when I hardly showed them anything. "Great. One would be the low cost of-" I suddenly got the idea to mark up the price for my troubles, so I did. "-of $100."

All three adopted looks of shock, the plug even fell from Fester's now open mouth. "$l00!" Morticia exclaimed. 'It probably was too steep of an inflation,' I thought after looking at them all.

"For this gem? It's worth $1,000 at least! It's the best vacuum on the market after all," Gomez said.

I nearly fell over in shock when he said that. All I could do was stand there in a silent shock.

"More like $2,000," Fester said.

Gomez looked at his family member. "By George, you're right!" His attention turned back to me. "$2,500, that's my final offer!"

"Okay," was all I was able to muster.

He responded with such enthusiasm. "Capital! I'll take two." He wiped out a hefty wallet and took from it $100 after $100.

"Can we keep this one?" Morticia asked me.

I nodded, not taking my eyes off of the cash. "You can do whatever you want, lady."

Gomez held a fantastically thick wad of cash in front of me. "$50,000. That should cover it."

This was all too good to be true. I thought those freaks would abduct me if I stayed too much longer; they clearly wanted more than a vacuum. I snatched the money as fast as I could. "Thank you. The second one will come here soon. Have a nice day," I said frantically. I pirouetted around and dashed to the door.

"What about your hat?" Gomez asked.

"Keep it!" I yelled back. They weren't going to keep me here any longer than I needed to be. Not only did I run out of their house, I also ran far away from the entire block. Breathless, I stopped running a fair bit away. I took a moment to look at the thousands of dollars in my hand, in disbelief that I both made it out alive and filthy rich. It took more bravery than I thought I had to face the family of freaks, but I know that my life would be infinitely better now. It was the best decision I've very made.


	2. The Addams' Side

The doorbell rang through the house. Knowing that Lurch would get it, I turned to my wife. One look at her and I was lost in her pulchritudinous eyes. I fell in love with her all over again. "I didn't know we were expecting anyone."

"I didn't know either."

"Well," I flicked my cigar, relighting it, then put it in my mouth, "this is unexpected."

Quickly, I decided that the apparent company we had coming over was more of a pressing concern than zen yogi, so I rolled to my feet. In our hall was a strapping young chap. I could recognize his pale, clammy complexion anywhere. He was clearly an avid moon bather like ourselves. Being the gentleman that he is, Lurch took the nice man's hat without even needing to ask. He looked so grateful.

The fellow looked around, probably amazed by our fantastic art. I decided it would be best to keep him on track. We don't want people to feel too bad about their own art when they're done looking at ours after all. "What brings you here?"

"I'm selling vacuums," he said. I honestly forgot that vacuums existed anymore. I was absolutely _fascinated_. Floored even. One sentence in and he already had me hooked. This kid should get a raise; he's a natural-born salesman. "The best vacuums on the market. Hardwood, carpet, you name it and the revolutionary Sumri Vacuum can vacuum on it."

That's incredible. _Anything_ could be vacuumed now? Even grass, or swamps? Of course, why would this wonderful salesmen lie to me? We could finally start cleaning the ceiling, or maybe even cousin It. "The best on the market!" I exclaimed. The thought was just so wonderful that it had to be shouted. Granted, we didn't need a vacuum. "Now that's an accomplishment, but we've already got a perfectly good broom. See?" I pointed over to our lovely broom. Our possesso prezioso. A family heirloom.

"Oh please. You can't possibly be comparing our vacuums to that thing," the kid said. As always, he had some great points.

"I guess you're right. Comparing a broom to a vacuum is like comparing ghosts and spirits. Only one of them can fly after all. So what's so great about these vacuums of yours?"

"Oh, I can show you. Just outside I have a sample model. I'll just go grab it really quick." He pointed to the door.

Morticia, in her infinite wisdom and percipient, took the thoughts right from my head. "There's no need for that," she spoke. Every word from her mouth seemed like the pure embodiment of the most angelic demons. Cara mia, my darling. She rang the bell with such mastery of tact and grace.

The always loyal Lurch came as usual. "You rang?"

"Yes. Could you please go get a vacuum from outside?" Each word from her mouth was like silk straight from a thousand poisonous spiders' spinnerets.

Lurch gleefully lumped to the door and brought back an astounding piece of machinery. The youngling put it together beautifully, answering all of our questions with such speed. What a fine salesman. I hope that one day I'll be half the man he was.

"All it needs now is electricity. Do you have an outlet nearby?"

What an insult! Just an outlet! "I can do you one better than an outlet. Fester! Could you come down here please? Uncle Fester is the most electrifying person I know." He really is. What a bright guy. I'm glad to call him my uncle.

He came sliding down. "You called me?"

"We need your specialty."

Fester laughed. "That's easy," he said. He went to the man. "May I?"

I could basically see the excitement in the individual's eyes as he handed over the plug. "Sure," he said as he did. Fester lit it up. What power. It was electrifying to watch. I could clearly see the sucking capabilities of the great Sumri vacuum. I should buy one. "So, now that you clearly see the sucking capabilities of the great Sumri Vacuum, doesn't it make the most sense to buy one?"

"Of course," I said.

"Naturally," Morticia added. Have you ever met someone so bewitching that it made you want to shoot yourself in the head out of love? That's every day of my life with my ravishing wife.

"Great. One would be the low-cost of-of $100." He must have been so excited by such a great deal he must have gotten a stutter. But by golly, what a rip off! There's no way such a great vacuum would only sell for $100!

"$100?" Tish asked, thinking the same as me. The elegant whisper of her wise soul speaks out words akin to poetry. It was more delicious than eye of newt.

"For this gem? It's worth $1,000 at least! It's the best vacuum on the market after all," I said.

"More like $2,000," Fester said. What a marvel of an idea.

"By George, you're right! $2,500, that's my final offer!"

"Okay," he said. I could hear how overjoyed he was. Finally a fair offer for his amazing product. His heart was beating so loud with excitement that I could hear it.

With such a great product, spares would be essential. "Capital! I'll take two." I took out my wallet to pay the good man.

"Can we keep this one?" Tish asked. How such wit and allure can fit into one person includes me, but my Querida somehow made it work.

"You can do whatever you want, lady." What a generous guy. I kind of wanted to give him more money as a tip, but that might be unfair to the other salesmen.

"$50,000. That should cover it."

"Thank you. The second one will come here soon. Have a nice day," he said. He started bouncing away, filled with as much joy for this wonderful vacuum as we had.

In his excitement, he was racing out the door with a naked head. "What about your hat?" I asked.

"Keep it!" he yelled back. He's such a gentleman. I should have added in another couple hundred dollars, just for him. Before I could call him back, he was gone! What a shame. Well, at least we got ourselves the best vacuum on the market. It won't take an hour to clean after every explosion anymore. And all of this great dirt is stored in a handy bag. With one zip and shake, the children could play in vacuum entrails for hours! Then it could be vacuumed right back up again and brought back out the next day with even more grime! How did we live without such an item in our lives? Buying it was the best decision we've ever made. Well, it's in the top ten best decisions at least.


End file.
